Emotional Support Animal – Not A Thing
They simply don’t exist. Not a thing. Now let’s be clear, I’m not talking about a service dog. A service dog is a dog that has been trained to assist someone with a disability. A couple examples of service dogs: a guide dog for a blind person or one of those dogs that smells a fart and knows someone’s about to have a seizure. Service dogs are highly trained and pretty cool. An example of an emotional support animal does not exist.
Dogs may reduce stress, anxiety, and depression levels temporarily. Studies have shown puppies to reduce stress levels for college students during finals week. I remember freshman year when KU brought puppies to campus during finals week for students to play with. The girls really enjoyed playing with the puppies. The guys just showed up as a poor attempt at trying to get laid. It just isn't a long-term solution to emotional support. Yes, dogs can work as a short-term stress reducer, but you know what also eases stress levels? Kickboxing. So, if you want to register your dog as an emotional support animal, then I should be able to get 5 minutes in the octagon with you.
I was at a local coffee shop in East Nashville the other day. As I was deciding where to sit, I noticed a yorkie sniffing around a couple people having a conversation. The yorkie was attached to one of those retractable leashes. My eyes slowly and steadily began to follow the black leash cord on a 10-foot linear path from the dog to a woman reading a novel where the handle was tied around one of the four legs of the table she was at. The woman was sitting with her knees bent towards her chest with her socks resting on the lip of the chair while holding the book on top of her knees. I want to stay on the topic of emotional support animals, but you could see my confusion/frustration at how 1) she wasn’t wearing any shoes while 2) reading a novel in a coffee shop. You want people to see you reading, go home. It’s also a Tuesday. Jobs are cool. Anyway, the woman paused to have a quick conversation with the people her dog was bothering. In the cordial conversation, I overheard the woman tell the couple that her yorkie was registered as an emotional support animal.
I was sitting down with my laptop flipped open working away enjoying an overpriced coffee for about 15 minutes when something happened. I felt a tickle on the back of my right calve immediately followed by two quick wet licks that covered an area on my calve of about one square inch. Distraught, I paused the email I was sending and took a moment to stare forward and reminisce on a few ways I could react to the situation. My thought process in chronological order:
I could act like I am getting up to grab some water. When I stand up, I could kick my right foot back driving my right heel into the dog enough to elevate it into the air. Of course, if anyone sees, I put my hands on my head, drop my jaw, look at whoever saw and say “OMG, I feel so bad!”
I could grab my paper cup of coffee and Cy Young it across the room at the dog owner.
I could gently stand up to grab some water and on my way back to sit down I could look over to see what the owner was doing. But still, not do anything.
It wouldn’t have been fair to go with option number one. Don’t hate the dog, hate the dog owner. I couldn’t choose option number two for professional purposes. So, I had to go with option three. On my way back to my seat, the dog was now licking another person at another table. The owner looked up from her book, giggled, and smiled at her dog while looking at the people but, she didn’t do anything. She didn’t tug the leash really quick or anything. Unreal.
Emotional Support Animals, nope, not a thing. Do whatever you gotta do. Do some yoga, take a lap around the block, drink some water, and eat clean. But do not ever bring a dog in a public building, on a flight, to a restaurant, honestly don’t bring your dog anywhere if your dog is barking, jumping on, or licking another human being that isn’t you.
And no, your cat can’t be an emotional support animal. Also, your cat isn’t “a different cat” or “a super cool cat” like every cat owner likes to express. Those don’t exist either. The number of cool cats in the world is equal to the amount of emotional support animals in the world.
